Crap English as spoken by native speakers of English,

From the New Zealand Herald newspaper, Tuesday 15 May 2008:

Commonwealth says readmits Pakistan

Crap English as spoken by native speakers of English

Okay, so this is a serious story, and the article is being written as the events unfold, however the sentences should still make sense.

text (c) Fairfax New Zealand

BREAKING NEWS: A woman is reported to have stabbed two pilots and threatened to blow up a plane at Christchurch airport.

The Jetstream aircraft, with nine passengers aboard, landed safely at Christchurch airport shortly after 8am.

The pilots, whose injuries are not known, managed to land the aircraft after being attacked. Reports say the flight was from Blenheim.

Police surrounded the aircraft on the runway, and the woman has been contained.

The bomb squad has been called in to defuse the device, thought to have been in the woman's bag.

Traffic has been stopped around the traffic (sic) and there are widespread delays.

Good on you, Tulivushun Nu Zilind

Ironically, this story is about the releasing of the results of the national secondary school examinations:

Nervous wait for NCEA students

Jan 17, 2008 6:38 AM

Results are out for more than 130,000 secondary school students who sat NCEA exams at the end of last year.

The New Zealand Qualifications Authority expects around 85% of students will receive their results in the mail no (sic) Thursday.

Spokesman Bail Haque says anyone who misses getting their results in the post on Thursday can log on to the NCEA website on Thursday afternoon.

Posted results are expected to be delivered between January 17 and 25.

Haque says it is the first year candidates can qualify for certificate endorsements for gaining top marks over a range of subjects.

Scholarship results are due in February.

Pizza lockdown confuses tourist

Housekeeping staff at the Hermitage Hotel in Mount Cook were called to help an American guest who complained she could not get her pizza out of the microwave.

It turned out she had in fact put the pizza in the safe in her room and activated the lock.

- NEWSTALK ZB

Banksy art to be removed from London streets

Another gem from the TV3 website...

...While officials say it is not there (sic) job to decide if the works are art of merely an act of vandalism, art critics say washing the works off the walls will only add to the Banksy phenomenon...

International student visas relaxed

From the TVNZ website:

Another change will allow students to sit their English anguage (sic) test at anytime during their stay, rather than as soon as they arrive.

US utilising robots in war

The sniper nests and IED-laden roads of Iraq have proven to be deadly challenges for the US military.

To combat this, the US has developed remote-controlled soldiers that no (sic) nothing about fear or danger – the combat robot.

Crap English as spoken by native speakers of English

How about some punctuation, Artie.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
26-Sep-2007 23:05

people who use Bebo and or face book have made friends in real life and want to use this media to keep in contact with these real life friends and family so I am astounded by the comment of Neville who seems to be quite selfrightious (sic) I wonder if he has any friends in real life seeing he seems to think people need Bebo or Facebook to make friends erronious (sic) thinking my friend hm that was said tongue in cheek I use bebo to keep in touch with my friends and family when overseas and away from home its (sic) easy and its (sic) free those that invite strangers into their home take a equal risk as those who invite strangers to be their friends on bebo and or facebook I am not afraid to tell who or what I am and I do not accept strangers on sites like Bebo knowing only to (sic) well that they are anonimous (sic) I do however consider a stranger as a friend I have yet to meet I dont (sic) have enemies

Artie, Coromandel

Crap English as spoken by native speakers of English

Dishcloths may indeed be disgusting, however so is the grammar, spelling and punctuation of this guy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"i (sic) no (sic) most of us have done it this way for so long it does come to us as a shock that there are so much germs getting sperd (sic) around but (but?) by this way how do they propose that we do our cleaning we have to have the germs to fight of germs i think that if we keep being so clean that we are going end up with so many new desiezers (er, what?) and some new streans (streans?) of bugs we are going to have to come up with new ways of fighting these off so lets just carry on with how we have been doing this for years because this is a loseing (sic) battle brent" (Brent, can you read this without pausing? Please, give us a comma or two!)

Crap English as spoken by native speakers of English

Commenting on political sanctions New Zealand has placed on Fiji, in response to the military coup in December 2006, one forum contributor to the TV3 news website wrote:

"Political pontifacting (sic) again.Just chop off giving them OUR taxpayers money,any figis (sic) in NZ on welfare sent (sic) them packing with 1 way ticket,end of storey (sic)."

Good on you, Bruce.

Crap English, as spoken by native speakers of English

Another gem from a reader of the TV3.co.nz website... makes me giggle that she talks about parents needing to "educate there kids" and that people need to be "tought a lesson"! Some grammar corrections have been made, and are in red... actually, I got bored with correcting this one, so there are some errors not corrected!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Unbelievable! Whay (sic) is this happening? Little girls wanting attention & not getting it. The people i feel sorry for (are) the falsely accused & the actual victims. What is happeing (sic) in the home for gilrs (sic) to do this (?). The parents need to step up & educate there (sic) kids i feel. Can you imagone (sic) what thd (sic) would do to an accused family & reputation!? it is wrong & sholud (be) delt (sic) with as a crime. One women has been let off for what she has done to a police officer, people need to be tought (sic) a lesson. I dont (sic) know bout everyone else but i (am) sick of my tax money going towards these sick cliam (sic)."

Crap English, as spoken by native speakers of English

Native speakers of English often complain about "foreigners" who don't English properly.

This gem, comes from the a colleague of mine, a "Kiwi"...

My colleague was looking at a report that had landed on her desk. After a couple of minutes of looking at the report, she started complaining about the contents, but admitted that she hadn´t "looked at it through a toothbrush"!